In 5 minutes.

What can you do in 5 minutes?

Think about it.  Does it take you longer to use the bathroom? Take a shower? Get dressed? Prepare lunch?

This is what my son did in 5 minutes, today:

In 5 minutes, my son got into the stash of Christmas and Hanukkah presents and start opening everything.  Thankfully, he was so proud that he found a driedel,  he stopped what he was doing and came out of his room.  After disappearing for another 2 minutes, he came back with the packing material for the large box of Amazon presents.  Thankfully, he thinks that poppers are fun in and of themselves and likes to pop the in front of me.

In the next few minutes that it took me to move all the presents from their prior location to a new, out of reach location, my son took the entire tube of toothpaste and smeared it all over his room.  I came back into him room to discuss not opening presents, when I smelled an overwhelming scent of mint.

 Toothpaste.

"Daaaaaniel!" I saw it on the walls first.  Dripping light blue slime trails with silver sparkles.

"Daaaniel?" He pointed to the window sill.  There in the sunlight was a silver dollar size blob of the. same, with a thin line that began to drip down the wall behind his bed.

I found it on a sock.

I found toothpaste footprints on the carpet.

And I found it on his comforter.  I'll get the chunks, but that, he'll have to live with until the next time I have to clean it for a more serious, natural based mess.

5 minutes.  Today.

It took longer than that to clean it up.
It took longer than that to write this.

When it's quiet...

When it's quiet, and it isn't 3am...

...he's likely to be stripping down to his baby birth free butt.

When it's quiet, and the sun is up...

...he's most likely peeing on the floor.

When it's quiet, and he's in his room...

...he could be writing on his walls with the one rogue crayon or pencil I missed whilst cleaning up.

When all you hear is CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH...

...he became tall enough over night to reach to bottle of puffs you thought was out of reach, and now they are all over the floor, the table, in his mouth, and down his shirt.  But not in the bottle.

When it's quiet and it's 4:30pm...

...he's gotten so tired from waking up at 5:30 am after not having gone to bed until 11:00 pm, then, to skip his nap so as to allow him a normal bedtime, he's fallen asleep in the laundry pile assuring another 11:00pm bedtime.

When it's quiet and you smell some poop...

...odds are his butt got itchy after running away from you saying he didn't go poop in his diaper, he scratched that itch then wiped what was on his hand on his pajamas because they were icky.

And then, so rarely we find these times, but when it's quiet, and you know the kids are tucked in their beds...

...you grab a beer, your husband, the remote, and anything else you've been wanting for the last 20 hours, and you sit down, ( or lay down*wink wink)  drink your beer, turn on the movie you've been wanting to see...

...then fall asleep 10 minutes later.


At least, that's what happens at our house.

2Y150D: She's crawling!!!

Nothing is safe.

Keep your eyes on your plates and on your phones, our little Amelia is on the move!

She'll be 9 months old this week, so, as averages go, she on the upper end.  It didn't help that she is over 20 lbs., and wearing 12- 18 month clothes.

Doctors were encouraging, "She is very strong, she just has a heavy trunk and may have a harder time getting it up in the air."  True, true, she is very strong, and must continue to be to survive in a house with her bruiser big brother who literally loves her nearly to death.

Here is a video I had been taking of her as she rocks just moments before...  Her first crawl!

Look what I can do!!

Nice, ey?

Now here's the rub; very much like her brother, she puts everything and anything in her mouth.  I can't vacuum enough, I can't sweep enough.  Honestly, though I thought I was getting more and more toddler proof everyday, I've forgotten that baby proofing and toddler proofing are different.  Much different.

My world has changed and I'm not young enough for this...

As many times as I pushed her to crawl, encouraged a little leg movement, or enticed with a  big hug or kiss, perhaps I should have just been happy with a sitter.

I should go to sleep, tomorrow will be a long day.  2 Years, 150 Days in, a lifetime to go...

2Y19D: SEX Hotline...only $1.99/min.

I though he would be at least 12, maybe 13 before he called his first sex hotline number. I never would have guessed he would have been two.

Here's how the conversation went:

Brian: "Hey! What? Gimme that!"

Daniel: Runs away waving the phone; jumps and face plants onto our bed.

Brian: "Hey, Rach..."

Me: "ummm yeah?"

Brian: "Daniel just called a sex hotline number!"

Me: "How did he get the number?"

Brian: " Wait, it wasn't like a speed dial number, he just leaned on the 8 key and dialed"

Me: "Are you sure?"

Brian: "I gave the phone to him so he could watch airplanes when I heard a woman's voice. I took the phone as she was saying 'only $1.99/min then 7.99/min for hot one-on-one'... well I hung up the phone so fast. I think I really need to lock the phone."

Daniel: Snatches the phone once again yelling "Aiiiiirplane...aiiiiiirplane!!!!"

Me: " Ummmm Brian?"

Brian:"Yeah yeah.....I'm on it."

The moral of the story boys and girls, is that if you're going to call a sex hotline, make sure your parents are not within earshot of the phone.

2Y18D: Laying round

Nothing is off limits for Big D if he can reach it.

And he can reach everything.

I see other kids his age in homes that are far less toddler proof, and do they have issues like we do? Oh no the don't.

They don't have to attach bookshelves, cabinets and TV's to the wall. They leave tables with lamps around without fear of damage, they can leave pet food on the floor without anyone eating it or trying to feed it to their 3 month old siblings.

Yeah, nothing in our house can be high enough.

Nothing.

He can now climb up on chairs and onto the table.

There are no baby safe locks that keep chairs tucked under the table.

He can climb up on the stereo cabinet (as seen above).

How do I prevent this?

I've been to friends homes who have much less...stuff than we have, and it seems like the thing to do. Purge everything.

Throw it all away.

But you know, it's inevitable, the day after, or even the week after you were so proud of yourself for throwing lots of stuff away, you go looking for that same object.

Tell me I'm wrong...

I can use some tips on how to toddler proof a home for a very active little boy (and soon to be for very active children.)

Also, he has a saline tube in his mouth (that I use to help clear stuffy noses) that he used to "write" all over the cabinet he then wiped up with his body.

Did I mention that I am tired?

2Y14D: The Great Escape

I wish this morning were as exciting as this movie. Perhaps it's similar in that instead of an escape proof camp, I have what I thought was an escape proof apt.

I don't.

It was bound to happen, I suppose.

It was only time until he figured out how to open to front screen door, and that time came today.

Just a minute after Brian had left for school.

I thought he ( Brian) had run back into the house to grab something and run back out. So I said "HI, that was fast!"

No crying from Big D asking for his dad.

I heard the door close.

No Daniel.

I run to the door, run out, and who is there just standing in the driveway?

Yeah.

Heart Attack.

Lock your doors.

Nothing is toddler proof.